Finding ‘WE’ not just ‘I’
It feels like lots of things happening around death, aging and illness are focused on one person or making individual plans. “My care plan”, “My funeral plan”, “My treatment plan”, “My bucket list”, “My battle”. Being prepared is often seen as an individual act of ‘getting your affairs in order’. It is hardly ever talked about as a collective process of: building and healing relationships; planning for collective helping; making really hard trade-offs together; surfacing differences; or making meaning together.
Yet everyone we have spoken to has talked about how absolutely vital networks of relationships and support are - in lots of different ways: big and small; professional and informal. It seems like lots of suffering, pain, confusion and cost might come from not having strong enough connections, a collective view of what this all might mean, and a collective of support that adjusts and adapts as things change.
How WE as partners, families, friends, communities, tax payers, health care providers, cultures, and spiritual communities all think and ACT TOGETHER about aging, illness seems to really matter - but also seem to be really quiet.
There are lots of things that encourage us to think individually. Privacy, independence, not imposing on others, self determination, and responding to the wishes of each individual are important principles. And at the same time aging, dying and care-giving are not things we do in isolation. How we deal with illness, aging and dying affects many other people, has impacts for our environment, and has costs and benefits for lots of different personal, cultural, health and community systems around us. So - why are there not more ‘we’ conversations happening?
How often do you talk or plan in a group or as a whole family about illness, aging and dying?
When is it important that our conversations stay private and we each make individual choices? What could we talk about more together in our clubs, churches, maraes, political parties, schools and work places?
What could better networks of support and connection look like in your family or community?
“Reflection on death causes us to be more responsible—in our relationships, with ourselves, with the planet, with our future.” - Frank Ostaseski