Befriending death means coming to terms with the reality of death and aging. It is a profound, often paradoxical journey. It’s not about embracing despair, but rather about finding peace and acceptance in what is inevitable.

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“The moment we accept that we will die, we begin to be free. Not from life, but for it.” Joan Halifax

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In some ways, befriending death is the ultimate act of acceptance. It encourages us to live a life with fewer regrets, to nurture relationships, and to find joy in the now.

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Befriending death does not mean we are fearless or full of joy when we think about aging, illness, and dying. It’s about accepting aging, illness, and death as a natural part of existence - and using that awareness to live more fully.

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“Accepting something isn’t the same as liking it. To accept a feeling that we habitually associate with discomfort doesn’t mean we immediately turn around and start enjoying it. It means being okay with it as part of the texture of human life.”  Pema Chödrön

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Instead of ignoring thoughts about aging, illness, and dying—or trying to drive them away—when we befriend death, we calmly acknowledge death’s presence, saying: “I see you.” We invite death (and aging and illness) to sit with us for a while. We have a cup of tea with the ideas and feelings this brings up.  Inspired by Tara Brach

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“Reflection on death causes us to be more responsible—in our relationships, with ourselves, with the planet, with our future.”  Frank Ostaseski

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Befriending death is not neat or tidy or easy to control. It is relational. It is emotional. It is courageous. It takes time. It is not a one-off conversation. It can’t be done over one well-planned family dinner or by filling in a form. It requires us to grapple with the meaning of life and our values and beliefs. It requires us to think about letting go and being uncertain.

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When we deny death - or run away from our feelings about it - we are most likely adding to suffering and loneliness. We don’t take time to imagine better systems of care and support that would work better for all of us. We don’t see the costs of our silence and fear. When we can look at illness, aging, and dying - and slow down enough to just ‘be with it’ for a while - we can start to imagine and create ways for us, our families, and our communities to find more comfort, creativity, and connection. From the work of Dr. Judy Stevens-Long

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Befriending death is something we can do over our whole lives - not just at the end. It is something we practice over time.

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It’s easy to live mindlessly when you think you’ll live forever. When you face  - and embrace - the fact your days are numbered, your perspective changes. Think of it this way. Today could be the last day you get to make a difference in another person’s life. Today could be the last chance you get to make someone feel they matter. Today could be the last day you get to say ‘I love you’ to the people you care about. It goes beyond that, of course. Want to start a business? Don’t wait five years; do it now—you may not have five years. Want to change careers? Wait too long and you may never get the chance. Want to learn something, accomplish something, or become something? Start doing it now. While you’re unlikely to leave life right now, someday, all of us will. That’s a fact - but it’s an easy fact to forget. From the work of Jeff Haden

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‘Attending and befriending’ are the opposites of ‘fight, flight, and freeze.’ So befriending death means slowing down and paying attention. It is resting and digesting - rather than fighting or running away from our uncomfortable feelings about aging and dying.

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“As individuals, and as a nation, we are poorly prepared to manage the silver tsunami of our aging population. Only 30% of the adult population has filed any official paperwork about their preferences for end of life. Even fewer have had a discussion with friends or family about how they want to die, what they consider good quality of life, or how they want to be remembered.  It seems likely that if millions of older people die without telling anyone what they want at the end of life, survivors will experience unnecessary emotional stress and, often, family conflict.”  Dr. Judy Stevens-Long

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Whenever you need to make a decision about the best course of action, take a moment and think about what you would do if today was your last day and your last chance.

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“Death is our friend, precisely because it brings us into absolute and passionate presence with all that is here, all that is natural, all that is love.”  Rainer Maria Rilke