The messy stuff that doesn’t fit into a form or a plan
It seems like lots of the conversations we are having about dying and aging are focused on logistics. Things like: getting a will done; appointing enduring power of attorneys; making a funeral plan; writing a care plan. These are all really important things to do.
AND what about all the other things that we need to talk about that would never fit into a form or a plan or a document? Things like love, forgiveness, regret, fear, awe, being a burden, the realities of caregiving, gratitude, grief, values, beliefs. These are not simple, one-off conversations or things you can do on your own with a form. They are not neat and tidy and easy to control. Talking about these things is relational and emotional.
Finding more time and space for this messier stuff – the parts with lots of other people, laughter and tears, anger and fear, uncertainty and love – might be really valuable.
Grappling with this messy stuff might help us have deeper and more honest relationships and lives right now (well before we are old, sick or actively dying) as well as help to reduce our suffering and fears in our last few years of life.
How much of your thinking and talking about death is focused on logistics and paper work?
What could engaging with more of the messy stuff look like for you, your family and your community?
A way to start?
There are four, small, life changing conversations that all of us can be having right now.
Find the people you care about and regularly, in lots of little ways, in your own words, tell them: I love you. Thank you. I am sorry. I forgive you.
And then take a few moments to think that this could be the last time you may ever get to be with this person or say these things to them.
Based on the work of Dr Ira Byock, Dr Kathryn Mannix, and Toni Bernhard
