Getting caught in silence

Lots of us are scared of saying the wrong thing when we know someone is suffering or having a really hard time. We want to protect people. We don’t want to hurt them. So we stay silent. We think that it is better to not say anything at all rather than risk getting it wrong and making someone uncomfortable, angry or sad. But over and over again we have heard from people that our silence can be a cause of deep suffering. Keeping silent is often hurtful. People told us that they feel more angry, more confused, more sad, more disappointed, more powerless, more tired, more desperate, more regretful when real conversations have not been had.

People have told us how lonely and isolated they have felt when they are dealing with illness, aging, dying, and caregiving. Friends and old social networks seem to dry up. They feel like other people avoid them or just won’t let them ‘go there’.

We have been surprised at how often people have told us that they do want to talk more (and more deeply and honestly) about illness, aging, caregiving, dying and grieving - but they feel like no-one else wants to talk. They feel a social pressure that tells them that it is rude to bring it up. If we are the ones who are ill, or getting older, or caregiving - then we feel pressure not to burden our loved ones with our worries and fears. So we stay quiet. We get a message that the right thing to do it to put a brave face on. And at the same time, other people around us don’t want to ask us what we are really feeling or experiencing because they don’t want to make us upset. So they don’t bring up the topic either. Too often both sides want to talk but both sides just stay quiet. It feels hard to try and speak up. It feels easy to get caught in silence.

It seems like one of the strongest ways we reinforce silence is by rushing in to comfort others and smother out any difficult or negative emotions. People told us that too often when they do try to gently raise how they are feeling - or bring up the topic of death in general - they feel shut down with something like: “Oh we don’t have to talk about that now Mum- you are going to live for ages” ; or “Lets all stay positive”; or “There is no need to be morbid”. Lot of us might be unintentionally shutting down important conversation by giving in to a strong and common urge to be positive and to comfort or fix people- rather than just letting the people we love have time and space to talk about what they are feeling. Is it ok to be sad or angry? Is it ok to be uncertain and not have a quick fix? Can we be hopeful and also talk together about if the treatment doesn’t work or if we have to move into a rest-home? Can we sit quietly and listen to someone talk about their fears and confusions- without needing to ‘fix’ or ‘comfort’ them - nor runaway from our own feelings of discomfort?

What might happen if we started in small ways to try and break the silences? What could this look like with your friends or family?

What would be different if we started assuming that, even people who are ‘in the thick of it,’ often DO want to be talking about this? How could you show up for them?

How much of our silence is about protecting other people - and how much is about protecting ourselves from feeling uncomfortable?